Sunday, March 13, 2011

Tough Times

My Grandfather passed away Friday night. It was a long time coming and we were expecting it to happen this week, but it still doesn't help the pain of losing a loved one. I was very close with my Grandpa. I am going to miss him dearly. He was a WWII vet who retired a Lt. Colonel from the Army. He was an amazing writer and historian and an all around great man. I learned so much from him and I am going to miss him dearly. Rest in peace Grandpa. 4/18/1920-3/11/2011

This has made it very hard to stick to my diet. I am very much an emotional eater and it has been very hard to resist the urge to be comforted by a fat burrito or a bag of my favorite chips. I hope I can be strong enough to get through this without gaining the weight I have been working so hard to shed. Any suggestions for ditching the emotional eating?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

New Theme!

Okay, so I am extremely bad about keeping up with this thing. Life is seriously in fast forward for me right now. But one thing I have become passionate about recently is my weight loss journey. I have new motivation to achieve my goals of being fit and feeling great. I will tell you what has been going on lately:

After some time of gaining weight (honestly it was more like a 6 month eating binge), I got to a point where I thought I could literally feel the new fat cells clinging to areas on my body. My face got really round and my neck seemed to be getting shorter...optical illusion? Nope, fat. No matter how many mirrors I tried, the image I saw never changed. So, I decided it was time to face the dragon and head into combat. It was a slow start though...

I signed up for weight watchers and sat through the first, motivational, meeting and then the introductory meeting. I went home and decided I was going to take the next few days to go through my fridge and rid it of any crap that would tempt me to eat the sweet/salty/fatty/(insert scrumptious word here) items. Yeah, that didn't happen. The next week I went to the meeting again, and decided not to weigh because I didn't want to disappoint myself. I knew I hadn't done anything differently so I decided to start fresh that day. The next day I went grocery shopping, bought all kinds of fruits and veggies and low point value items. My points tracking started.

I had anticipated it being much harder to track things, but I found it more fun than I expected. I was also shocked by how much a true serving of something is. A much smaller portion than most people are used to seeing. So, I continued the tracking for a week, really giving it my all. (I am a Jenny Craig drop out and have a hard time getting my head out of the "diet" mentality). I decided if it worked after one week, I think I will be able to do it.

I have to say, I was shocked. I did not for a minute feel that I was depriving myself of anything by doing this program. I am now learning to eat in moderation. There are definitely hard days, but so far things have been going really well. I have decided that whether or not anyone reads this new blog or not, I am going to use it as a journal for my journey. I think it will help me when I have those really hard days.


Here are my stats: (breath, breath....)
Pant size: 16 (though I should be wearing an 18. I refuse to buy the next size up!)
Starting weight: 214.8  :-(

And here is what has happened so far:

Week 1: -3.6 lbs
Current weight: 211.2

Week 2: -3 lbs
(This was a tough week. I thought I hadn't done very well at all, but surprise!)
Current weight: 208.2

That brings us current. I feel like letting people in on the real numbers of my weight will help me stay accountable and maybe help inspire or motivate a few others. My goal is not to get to a specific number though. I want to be a size 8. That is my ultimate goal, no matter what the weight ends up being.

My newest obstacle for this week is to throw in some exercise in my sedentary lifestyle. I went shopping today and bought some great Nike work out clothes, and I plan on starting the Couch to 5K program on Thursday. I am hoping to really see my numbers drop when I start working out! Wish me luck...and strength. It's a battle everyday, but I am going to try my hardest to conquer this one!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Some Things Never Change...

Some things truly never change. I am sad to say this in this context, but it is true. When I was in high school I tried nothing more than to avoid the drama the encircled my school and engulfed each hormone driven teenager that walked its halls. Some days were successful, others not so much. But, no matter what I had the hope that when I escaped the prison walls of my high school (which was rumored to have been built to be a prison...definitely not true) I would then be free of the drama that I hated. And here I am, almost 26 years old, and dealing with the same drama I did in high school, only on a more adult level. Lame. Another reality downer and another proof that the "I will conquer the world" attitude of a teenager is unrealistic. How I wish to be that naive again...until then, all I can do is hope, wish, etc., etc. that the type of people that feel like drama is a necessary function, similar to breathing and crapping, will be smacked with the reality stick and realize life is not about them. 

And for today, I am thankful for real friends. The ones that make you warm and fuzzy and are there not only on your brightest days, but on your darkest too. Those are the ones that deserve you at your best.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It's been TOO long!

Hey all! It's been way too long. I apologize for not keeping up to date. Things have been nuts!

Lu just celebrated her 1st birthday. We had an amazing little party. I was so lucky to end up with a party planner AND a photographer...and didn't have to pay a dime for it! I have no idea how I managed that one...
Lu is also starting to walk now. She stands up on her own and takes steps here and there. It's so exciting to see all of the new things that she is learning to do! Her vocabulary is growing and I just can't rave enough about how stinkin' cute she is. Just when I don't think it's possible for her to get any cuter, she does. So blessed.
As for the rest of life, I have been busy with school. It's been extremely difficult for me to find a balance between school, work, Lu and D, and housework. That's why I have had no time to update the blog! I have so much on my plate right now. I seriously need a vacation. But, overall life has been pretty good. I don't have anything super exciting/gossipy to talk about right now...I promise I will do my best to keep things updated more often!

Today I am so thankful for an amazing year filled with love and happiness. Thank you, God, for bringing my little LuLu into my life. She is the most amazing thing in the world. And Happy First Birthday Baby Bear!! <3

Friday, September 3, 2010

Praying for Others Right Now

Today, I don't have a whole lot to say about myself. I don't feel like that's the right thing to do after the news that I found out. Here is the story:

So I know 2 women who are sisters. They, coincidentally got pregnant within 2 weeks of each other with their first babies (both boys). Cute, right? Kinda like Father of the Bride 2, but in real life. Anyway, so last weekend one of them went into labor. She was about to have her baby when the baby's heart rate dropped. They rushed her in for an emergency c-section. When they delivered her son, he was not breathing. They went to work on him, got him breathing and rushed him to the NICU, worried he may have brain damage. Thankfully, things are looking better now, but he still has a lot of progress to make. 

Then, 3 days later the second one goes into labor. After 54 hours, she got to the point of pushing, and the baby got stuck. She was rushed off for an emergency c-section. Her son ended up with an infection and a swollen head and is also in the NICU. 

This is pure craziness to me. It seems like more women end up with c-sections and NICU babies than those who have normal births. I don't know what is going on. For those of you interested, Lana has a similar story. If you don't care to read her birth story, skip the next long paragraph and get right to the end. :)

It started on a Sunday morning. I had had, for the entire week before, what I thought to possibly be Swine Flu, though I don't think it was. I was SO sick which I think is what helped me go into labor (3 days late). I was at the tail end of my illness and just had a horrible cough left. I had been coughing all morning and a few times felt like I had peed a little. (All of you who have been pregnant know how that can happen!) That started about 10 am. At 10 pm I went to the bathroom and realized that it seemed like I was leaking fluid. So we decided to go to the hospital and get checked out for the third time in the last week. I didn't even take my bags because I was so sure they were going to send me home, again. So we got to the hospital and the emergency room nurse took us through the back elevators up to the maternity ward. As we were walking, I felt like I was peeing my pants so I figured, yeah my water must be broken even though I haven't had any contractions. We got checked in and the nurse came in to check me out. She did her exam and said, "Yeah, your water is definitely broken. Looks like you are being admitted!" This is when the happiness and panic set in. About 30 hours later, I had not progressed past 4 cm. The doctor came in and told me that she thought I should consider a c-section because she was worried the baby and I would get an infection since my water had broken so long ago. I said, whatever is best for the baby. Within 5 minutes I was in the OR and they were cutting me open, with D at my side. They told him he could look, that the head was out, so he did. He later told me he saw my insides and way more than any person should see. (lol) So they delivered Lu, brought her over to show me (with her full head of hair) and then ran off with her. I was so happy and then I started freaking out. I realized I had not heard her cry. Then I heard the doctors talking about keeping her in the NICU at least 24 hours. I started crying and asking questions and they told me she had meconium aspiration and they had to suction her lungs. They also thought she may have an infection, but that they were taking good care of her. I kept asking if she was going to be okay and they just kept telling me, "They're taking good care of her." I was so angry no one would answer my questions. I sent D off to be with her and I laid on the table while they stitched me back together and cried. She did end up having an infection.

As if that's not bad enough, I was not allowed to see her for 4 days after she was born. The hospital was worried I may have had Swine Flu and so I had to be symptom free for a whole week. I bawled. I was so depressed. This was not how things were supposed to go. Not at all. I was supposed to be cuddling my new baby in my hospital bed and watching t.v. and being catered on. One of the most amazing nurses came in for her shift. She asked about the baby and I told her what happened and that I couldn't see her. (I had tried 2 days after she was born, but they kicked me out of the room because I had only been symptom free for 2 days) The nurse said she was going to try to do something about that. So she went to the charge nurse who also told her no. So instead of taking that answer, she went to the disease prevention people at the hospital and somehow got it okayed for me to see her. She came in the next morning and said, "I just got a call. Don't go to breakfast, you can go see your baby! Get in there!!" I said screw the breakfast! And my sister practically sprinted me and my wheel chair there. (D was at home because he was now sick, though he was able to be with her without me, before he got sick) After that, it was a rough road. She had a thing called strider where she made a weird wheezing/squeaking sort of noise when she would cry of try to make any sort of noise. She was on a C-PAP the first day, but was able to breath on her own after that. She had a feeding tube most of the time that she was there until the last couple of days. I had another great nurse in the NICU who told the pediatrician that she refused to "gavage" a baby that big since she could eat on her own. So they took the feeding tube out and she started doing so much better. After the 10 longest days of my life, I finally got to bring her home. It was bittersweet. I was SO happy to be leaving the hospital where I had spent my life for the past 2 weeks. But, D had to work because he had already been off the whole first week when I was in the hospital. So we had to go home without him. Anyway, 10 days may not seem like a long time, but it was eternity. 

I can't imagine how other mothers feel when they have babies in there for months.

I thought I would share this story and the stories above with you. I hope it makes people feel grateful for their little ones and their health.

Tonight, I am SOOO thankful for my baby girl. All the hard work paid off and I am so blessed. Even through her rough start, she is now happy and healthy and amazing. I pray for those families with babies still being treated. May God be with them.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Exhausted...and Overweight

It's official: I am exhausted. I have taken on so much in my life right now and I hope that I can get through all of it. I know everything will be worth it in the end, so as hard as it is I am keeping motivated. I still have a few other things I need to tackle right my damn weight.

Seriously, I have been thinking every single day for about 6 months now that I need to do something. I need to lose some weight. I am gaining and gaining and it's so easy to do, but the losing end obviously isn't happening. I don't want D to get to the point where he is not attracted to me anymore. I really worry about that sometimes. Some days, I say to myself, "Be happy with your body! Accept who you are! Embrace your curves (that are now turning into jello). Be happy because you could be so much worse off." And then other days I completely feel consumed with thoughts of my weight. I can be standing there talking to someone about something non-food or weight related, and the whole time I am thinking about what they might be thinking and that my stomach is bulging over the top of my pants like a horrible muffin top. I look like I am trying to squeeze my ass into pant that are way too small.

As you can see, my feelings are so mixed and I can't seem to sort them out. I am praying, literally praying, for some motivation to get on the right track. Ugh....enough for now. I am sure this will not be the last time I bring up this topic. Thanks friends, for letting me vent.

And as I promised, whether good or bad:

Today I am thankful for new friends. I believe every person comes into your life for a reason and I have met some really great people in this last year. Yay to that!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Re-Inventing Yourself

So today I had my second day of orientation at my new school. (!!!!!!!!!!!) That's excitement in case you didn't know. At the "convocation" this morning, the speaker talked about re-inventing yourself; becoming the you that you have always wanted to be. Her words really struck me. Very rarely do you get the chance to re-invent people's perception of you. For me, this is the chance to do that. To step out of my comfort zone and be the person I have always wanted to be. I need to be more outgoing and not afraid to speak up. So that is my new goal now. I am going to try to lose the "shy girl" persona that I have had my entire life. This is going to be quite the task, since I am pretty much a mute around new people. (I'm sure they at first think something is wrong with me!) So wish me luck, because this will be quite the challenge.

I also challenge those of you who feel you need to re-invent yourself in someway, to give it a try. Step out of your comfort zone and do a few things you wouldn't normally do. It's hard at first, but so worth it in the long run. I am on a "live life to the fullest" kick right now, so hopefully it can rub off on others too.

Today, I am thankful for my Grandparents who made it possible for me to attend college. I am just a few shorts years away from my dream job, and it is all thanks to their hard work and planning. (And a little piece of my hard work too)